Mininster of last resort

Friends and family you charge double- that is what a friend of mine was taught at dental school. You do this because you can -they won’t go anywhere else. This is how I became an ordained minister- not the charging double part, just the friends and family part.

If you have a big enough family I reckon you have built-in customers. My sister-in -aw was getting married and I made her a platinum and sapphire wedding ring (still one of my favorite rings ever). They checked into hiring a minister but because they were getting married the night before Thanksgiving in our backyard and couldn’t find someone, they decided that I should do it. They asked me if I would become an ordained minister since you can download an ordination certificate from the net. We opted for the free one not the five dollar version.

Now I am a true full service jeweler – I can make the ring, offer premarital counseling and perform the ceremony. The premarital counseling I just pretend to know what I am talking about. I don’t have any training other than sitting with people for hours on end discussing how they want the symbol of their undying love to look.  We all know that the ring is the most important part, heck let’s max out all of our credit cards and really spend two months salary -hers and his. How else can two months salary turn into 10 years of debt? I went off on a tangent there- back to the point I was gettin’ at.

I have made lots of wedding rings for lots of couples, but sometimes certain couples stand out -not for how much they spent or the design but just, it’s hard to put words to it but there’s a feeling I get that this precious symbol of 2 months salary is going to end up in a pawnshop. Being a self-proclaimed relationship expert I can tell when it is going to go bad.

I get a call from a lady and she tells me ,” I am 40 years old. I am smokin’ hot. I have never been married and I want 2 carats. I want the duece baby, and it’s his job to get it for me.” They show up to the shop just as I imagined -platinum blond, spray tan and a pair of aftermarket parts. She’s rollin’ in the red Lexus -that is what blonds drive, at least this kind. He is a personal trainer with the obligatory arm band barb wire tattoo and sportin’ a you guessed it- a tight white t shirt and a tan plus the whitest teeth I have ever seen. Maybe my oral hygiene is just not up to par or it might just be my tooth paste. Nah it is because I drink straight  black coffee  by the bucket just to maintain my razor sharp edge.

She breaks out a picture of a ring by Harry Winston and says this is what I want. She doesn’t want much, just a big honkin’ diamond ring covered in more diamonds made by the most famous jeweler on earth – yeah no sweat. I can see that this is not happening. First off, if they had this kinda coin they wouldn’t be sittin’ here with me, they would be talkin’ to some suit in a real nice store getting a serious butt kissing. Not that I am not capable of kissing butt. I can,  but I am realist, they want a deal. I know not to question a person’s ability to pay, so I play along with this charade. Besides, they are kinda entertaining.

I get her finger size and of course she has airbrushed sequined nails. Then I start to carve the ring. I like to carve the basic ring while they watch so I don’t have to do it half a dozen times. I purposely avoid talking price. I just let him stew on it and dance around it .I just pretend that they know what this thing is going to cost. Finally he can’t take it any more and he asks the big question. I don’t give any hard numbers just ballpark 18-25. I say purposely leaving off the thousand as if it is understood. I watch his expression, confusion with just a hint of relief as if the ring is only going to cost 2,500 bucks. Then I sock it to him. I say we can get a 2 carater for about 12 to 15 thousand and the ring will be in the 5 to 6 thousand dollar range depending on the quality of the diamonds.  He looks at her as if to see if she is really worth it, then asks “Can we use a CZ? No one will know right? I saw a thing on TV and they were able to fool jewelers with them.” A high pitched shrewish voice blurts out, “I want a deuce baby, and it is your job to figure out how to pay for it. I want what I want!”

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kevinpotter

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